There’s a conversation I have regularly with people considering divorce in Israel that follows a pattern I’ve learned to recognize before it’s barely begun.
They’re sitting across from me — sometimes in the office, sometimes on a call — and somewhere in the first ten minutes they say a version of the same thing:
“I know things need to change. I’ve known it for a while. I just haven’t done anything about it.”
What comes next is usually a long explanation of why this month just isn’t the right time: The kids have exams. Work is complicated. The holidays are coming. After that, they’ll deal with it.
I’ve heard this for years. And I want to tell you what I think when I hear it — not just as a lawyer, but as someone who has watched this moment repeat in enough people’s lives to understand what’s really happening.
You’re not weak. You’re not in denial. You’re human. And there’s a reason your brain keeps choosing the familiar — one that has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with how we’re all wired. If you’re caught between knowing something must change and not having changed it, our free eBook library is a good place to start gathering real information.
What Israeli Law Actually Says About Starting the Divorce Process
Under Israeli law, the divorce process begins when one or both spouses formally initiate proceedings — either in the Rabbinical Court or in the Family Court. Neither filing nor consulting a lawyer commits you to anything irreversible. The process has stages, and many people who begin with information-gathering end up with clarity about what they truly want, which is not always divorce.
But your own hesitation has no legal timeline — and no one can file a motion to move it along. The legal framework is ready when you are. The question is not whether the law can help you — it’s whether you can get yourself to the point of finding out.
One thing worth knowing: in Israel, where and how you file can significantly affect outcomes on issues like property division, custody arrangements, child support, and the Get (the religious writ of divorce, get גט). Those choices matter. But they are choices you can only make once you actively decide to start understanding your options.
The Reason Your Brain Keeps Choosing Today Over Tomorrow
There's a Name for What You're Doing
Psychology calls it hyperbolic discounting: our brains are wired to overvalue what’s happening right now compared to what’s possible in the future — even when the future option is objectively better for us.
Here’s the clearest version of it. If I offer to give you ₪100 today or ₪110 tomorrow, many people take the ₪100. The extra ten shekels doesn’t feel worth the wait. But if I offer ₪100 in 30 days, or ₪110 in 31 days, suddenly the advantage of waiting one extra day is obvious. The math is identical. The time difference is identical. What changed is whether the reward feels immediate or distant.
Your situation works exactly like this. The cost of staying — the low-level unhappiness, the tension you’ve normalized, the version of yourself you’ve quietly set aside — doesn’t feel high enough to act on today. It’s familiar. It’s background noise. The cost of leaving feels enormous right now, because change is concrete and immediate, while the better future is abstract and distant. So your brain keeps choosing today’s familiar discomfort over tomorrow’s unfamiliar possibility. Not because you’re weak, but because that’s what brains do when nobody interrupts the pattern.
The Hidden Cost of the "Not Yet" Position
Here’s what most people don’t account for: the decision not to decide has a price of its own.
It’s paid in small installments. The energy spent managing a tense household. The mental bandwidth consumed by the same circular conversations — with yourself, with a close friend, with no one. The version of your life that isn’t being lived while you wait for the right moment that never arrives. These costs are real. They simply don’t appear on an invoice, which makes them easy to dismiss right up until you can’t anymore.
I always tell my clients that clarity rarely arrives before movement. Most people discover what they actually want — whether it’s staying or leaving — only after they start gathering real information. The limbo position feels like safety. But it’s usually the most expensive place to be.
Why the Question "Should I Stay or Go?" Keeps You Stuck
The question most people are asking themselves is the wrong place to start.
“Should I stay or go?” almost never has a clean answer when you’re asking it in the abstract, without legal information and without a clear picture of what either path actually involves. It’s a question that keeps circling until new information is input in the equation. And I think that’s part of why people stay stuck — because they won’t move until they know, and they won’t know until they move.
The more useful question is: what would it take for me to trust myself enough to find out what I want? Getting information — about what divorce in Israel involves, what your legal position looks like, what the process actually is — doesn’t commit you to anything. It doesn’t mean you’ve decided. It doesn’t start a clock. It just brings the future a little closer. And once the future stops being abstract, the decision that felt impossible often becomes more clear.
Giving the Limbo a Deadline
If this is a pattern you’ve been struggling with, here’s one practical shift I’d suggest: don’t give yourself a deadline to decide; give yourself a deadline to know: “By [a specific date], I will understand my legal situation.” That’s it. A small, concrete action — a first conversation, an appointment scheduled, an eBook downloaded — that moves you out of abstraction and into reality.
The reason this works is that hyperbolic discounting loses much of its power once the future stops being distant and hypothetical. Information makes the future concrete. Concrete things can be planned for, responded to, and decided about. Abstract things just circle. The conversation you’re afraid to start is almost always less frightening than the one you’ve been having with yourself.
Common Mistakes People Make When Contemplating Divorce in Israel
Mistake 1: Waiting for Certainty Before Seeking Information
Why it matters: Many people believe they should know they want a divorce before speaking to a lawyer. So they wait for certainty before gathering the information that would actually help them achieve it. This is the loop in its purest form — waiting for clarity that can only come from the information they’re not yet seeking.
The fix: Treat a first legal consultation the way you’d treat any other professional information-gathering. You don’t need to have decided before you can learn what your options are. Many people leave a consultation with more clarity than they had going in — sometimes the clarity that they actually want to try to save the marriage. You can’t get that clarity from inside the loop.
Mistake 2: Treating Every Month as Not the Right Time
Why it matters: There’s always something on the calendar. School exams. A work deadline. A family simcha. The holiday season. Waiting for a clear window tends to produce another indefinite waiting period. Meanwhile, legal positions can shift — financial disclosures become harder, assets move, circumstances change.
The fix: Recognize the pattern. If you’ve told yourself you’ll deal with this after a specific event more than twice, the event isn’t the issue. Set a date for a first action that’s independent of your calendar. Download one of our preparation guides. Do something concrete that doesn’t depend on circumstances lining up first.
Mistake 3: Confusing Information with Commitment
Why it matters: There’s a widespread belief that contacting a divorce lawyer means you’ve already decided to divorce. This keeps a significant number of people from getting the legal advice they need, often at the expense of their own legal position.
The fix: Speaking with a lawyer is not filing. It’s not even close to filing. It’s a conversation during which you find out what your situation looks like legally, what your options are, and what the process would involve. You’re under no obligation to proceed. What it does give you is real information to make a real decision with.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do I know if I’m ready to speak to a divorce lawyer in Israel?
A: You don’t need to be ready to divorce to speak to a lawyer. If you’re asking yourself whether you should, that’s reason enough to have the conversation. A first consultation is about gathering information — what the process involves, what your legal position looks like, and what your options are. Many people come in uncertain and leave with far more clarity, whatever direction that clarity points.
Q: Does speaking to a lawyer start the divorce process?
A: Not even close. A consultation is a conversation — nothing is filed, nothing is triggered, and nothing is set in motion without your explicit decision to proceed. Think of it the way you’d think of seeing a doctor: getting a diagnosis doesn’t commit you to surgery. You leave with information. What you do with it is entirely up to you.
Q: What if I’m not sure whether I want to divorce or try to save the marriage?
A: That’s a very common place to be, and it’s a legitimate reason to seek legal information rather than a reason to wait. Understanding your legal options doesn’t close the door on reconciliation — it simply means you’re making that choice with full information. Some people who begin information-gathering decide they want to try to save the marriage. That’s a valid outcome of the same first step.
Q: Is there a time limit for when I need to decide about divorce in Israel?
A: There’s no general deadline that applies to everyone contemplating divorce. However, timing can affect specific legal matters — the earlier you understand your situation, the better positioned you are on issues like property, financial disclosure, and custody arrangements. If you’ve been waiting a long time, the most important thing is not to wait longer.
Checklist for Taking the First Step
- Acknowledge the pattern. If you’ve been telling yourself “not yet” for more than a few months, recognize this as a pattern, not a reflection of the right time not having arrived.
- Name the cost of staying specifically. Not vague unhappiness — the actual cost. What version of your life are you not living? What are your children watching you model? Vague misery is easy to live with. Named misery is harder to ignore.
- Separate information from commitment. Make a list of what you don’t know about your legal position in Israel. That list is what a first consultation answers.
- Download a preparation guide. Our free eBook library includes guides written for people who are still deciding — not only for those who have already decided.
- Set a deadline to know, not to decide. Choose a date by which you’ll have had one legal conversation or read one preparation guide.
- Read about the process. Understanding how divorce works in Israel removes a significant part of the fear of the unknown.
- Read a related post: Facing Divorce in Israel? Here Are Your First Three Steps — what to do once you decide to find out more.
Need Guidance on Your Next Step?
- Contact our office to discuss your situation and learn how we may be able to help.
- Call: 077-200-8161 to schedule a phone call.
- WhatsApp: Send us a message
- Email: jay.hait@orcheidin.co.il
- Stay Informed: Subscribe to our newsletter for practical tips and updates on Israeli family law.
- Learn More: Explore our free eBook library for a step-by-step guide to understanding your rights and options.
- Read more about our clients’ experience in testimonials.
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